Since England crashed out of the World Cup (at least they made it this time, yes?) the English public and press have been picking over the bones with vulture-like glee. It doesn’t take a psychologist or sociologist listening to the famous BBC 606 phone in for more than a few minutes to discover the fatal flaw in the English team, English press, and English fans… they’re English.
With the Sunday papers full of Fabio Capello’s “no matter how much you pay me, no matter how much tax money I owe in Italy, I’d still rather be fired than deal with you people” forced mea culpa, the English still didn’t get it. They think that even though Fabio Capello has been a proven winner everywhere he has ever gone, he clearly became a bad manager somewhere between qualification and the World Cup.
BBC pundit and journeyman footballer Steve Claridge even went a few steps further. Fabio Capello, Steve McLaren, and Sven Goran Erickson were all to blame for England’s failures, not the players. According to Claridge, England has enough talent to win every tournament; the managers just keep setting the team up wrong. He claims the players know it is wrong, so they lack belief, and that is why they always fall flat.
Claridge also informed us that the next England manager to be named after the 2012 EUROs (lame duck managers do so well at tournaments, maybe Fabio can win the EUROs!) needs to find a way to cure the players of their boredom while away for tournaments.
Callers to the 606 opined such brilliant gems as the “fact” that John Terry is the best center back in the entire world. That Steven Gerrard is a world class player. That Wayne Rooney is world class, but wasn’t fit, even though he wanted to be. Or that if Lampard’s goal against Germany had been given, they would have only lost 3-2 instead of 4-1, and that would have changed everything. And one of my favorites, Rio Ferdinand, has pace and plays on the right, so his covering for John Terry (isn’t he world class?) would have changed everything, too.
For more than a month the English have been beating this old drum every chance they get. The manager is useless, the players are world class, and even if the sky is falling, they have youth to really take the world by storm, like Theo Walcott, Jack Wilshere, and Keiran Gibbs. (Ignoring the fact that these fantastic youth can barely get a game with their own clubs.) When anyone questions the party line they are shouted down, cut off, or told that they have never played at an international or club level.
If ignorance is bliss, why are the English so damn miserable?
As a public service, I have decided to inform the English what the rest of the world already knows…
1. Football is not your birth right, and even if it was, winning isn’t. You didn’t invent the game. The Chinese and Aztecs were having a kick-about with skulls long before you decided to separate soccer and rugby and write down rules. Once you accept you didn’t invent anything, and that other people may know the game as well if not better than you, the rest will be easy.
2. English players are not “world class”. Ashley Cole is your only player even in the conversation. Steven Gerrard peaked in Istanbul, and that wasn’t exactly last week. Frank Lampard is consistent, but not world class. Wayne Rooney may be one of the most complete footballers on the planet, maybe not, but he hasn’t put it all together yet when it matters most, meaning he isn’t world class. John Terry and Rio Ferdinand may be the best center backs you have, but that doesn’t make them world class, it just makes the rest of your center backs garbage cans. No one else in the England squad is even in the picture for 10th team World XI. Your players aren’t world class. Get over yourselves. Drop the ego, play as a team, and accept your role in the new world footballing order.
3. Fabio Capello isn’t a bad manager. With clubs, he could replace players not up to the highest standard by buying a replacement. With England, he can’t do that. He has what he has. He got no more or less out of them than the talent available was capable of. They are a top 16 side, and if the sun shines on them, a top 8 side. Anything more would be a minor miracle. Just as putting silicone and a wig on a pig doesn’t make it Dolly Parton, putting on the three lions doesn’t make James Milner Sir Bobby Charlton.
4. If in the modern age any footballer is bored during the biggest sporting competition on the planet, their regular lives are probably hazardous to their health. Between television, computers, phones, gaming systems, books, and training, if you can’t get by, you don’t belong at the World Cup. And despite what Steve Claridge thinks, your manager is not a tour guide. Though for the record, Capello did try. While every other international side within hours of Robben Island took a day trip there to break up that awful World Cup boredom, to a man the English footballers didn’t fancy the idea at all. Being a cultural and intellectual homebody, pining for a small damp island, meat pies, and the season finale of “Being Human” isn’t a virtue. It’s a national character defect. If an Italian can leave his mother for a few weeks, you can DVR the final “Jonathan Ross”. The empire is gone, the Earth isn’t flat, and the sun doesn’t revolve around England. Adjust or continue getting passed by.
5. Despite what the pundits keep saying, a world class player can do more than one thing. Thierry Henry can be a lone forward. Thierry Henry can play as part of a strike pairing. Thierry Henry can play wide left. Thierry Henry has lifted the World Cup. Cesc Fabregas can come on for Xabi Alonso or Sergio Busquets. He doesn’t need to play in his favorite position. He doesn’t need to be a similar player to either of the men he can replace. All he needs to do is play football and cover a piece of space. Many see him as a replacement to Xavi Hernandez, though he doesn’t play for Arsenal in the same space Xavi occupies with Barcelona. Why could he do it? Because he plays football. Cesc Fabregas has lifted the World Cup. The English mentality of “this is my space and the only bit of space I can play in” is farcical. It’s beneath you to even suggest it. You have to be scraping pretty far down in the excuse barrel to even come up with it. If Steven Gerrard can only play as an attacking mid behind a lone striker, he needs to tell his manager that he is unable to play in any other formation due to lack of a footballing IQ and lack of footballing skill. To not do this would be selfish, and a detriment to the team. If Wayne Rooney can only play as a lone striker, he needs to recuse himself for the same reasons. (Though those who claim Rooney can only play as a lone striker also told us a few months back that Rooney only wanted to play with Emile Heskey.) If you can only play one way, or in one bit of space, you aren’t a footballer, you are a poorly trained monkey, and surely not world class. Either you develop footballers, or you accept you are a second class footballing nation.
6. You aren’t going to win the World Cup or the EUROs. That train left the station with the Charlton brothers, let alone the Nevilles. The Roman’s thought they had a birthright to glory as well, and we all know how that ended. Or maybe you don’t, being boring history and all. The Romans, from Italy, once conquered all the way to your tiny island. They lost it all before your empire even began or your royals realized it was a bad idea to marry your own cousin. (That means you too, Liverpool. I know you are the Arkansas of England, but the idea is to spread the genes out.) With realistic expectations, the heavens will no longer weep when you fail to win. When you accept that glory is your prologue and not the current chapter, things non-British may finally appear for you, and you will stop saying things like “I don’t fancy Barcelona. They couldn’t get a result at Hull on a wet Tuesday night.” You won a World Cup on home soil back when air travel was risky, the Russians were a super power, and there was hope Prince Charles could still grow into his ears. At the World Cup stoplight, you are nothing more than the vagrant trying to wash the window of the eventual champion.
Accept these 6 simple points, and perhaps the losses will be less painful. You may even be able to build a new national identity based on reality, and change what needs to truly be changed. Don’t heed my warning, and you can’t get offended when I’m laughing hysterically when you start this all over again after falling on your face at the EUROs. If you even make it there.
The biggest problem for the English is the English themselves.
Until next time, enjoy the glorious football.
Written By Ryan
Rozelle
(19 Posts) |
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Getting love from World Football Daily for this piece? Wow. I have to say I am very happy and honored with the e-mails I have received in response to this article. Thank you.
While I don’t disagree that the expectations for the Three Lions higher than they ought to be I will say that Gerrard and Rooney are world class players and would command a huge fee if either of their clubs would sell them. Also I will say that the margin between victory and defeat in international football is quite slim and i would bracket England not as favorites in a finals but in the second group behind the main favorites. I think as far as winning a finals they would be possibly be better shot at winning the European Championships think Denmark in 1992 or Greece in 2004.
Thank you for your comments Kyle. I agree with most of what you said, but would like to make a few points in reply.
Steven Gerrard is not world class by any stretch of the imagination, and the only reason he would command a decent fee is because of the bloated market when it comes to English players. The only top clubs even remotely interested in Steven Gerrard have been Jose Mourinho clubs have they not? Chelsea, Inter, and Real. Either than being a wind up of Liverpool, his interest has not been real in terms of offers since his Chelsea days. As a box to box midfielder, his best days are behind him. On his night, he can be superb, as can be said about every footballer. Once your pace starts leaving you in that position, you are done. Liverpool can cover many of his flaws with the likes of Xabi Alonso, Fernando Torres, Javier Mascherano, etc. Foreign players to carry a lot of water for him or make runs for him to connect with. If Steven Gerrard wasn’t English, people would have stopped giving him a second look years ago.
On Rooney, I’m a United fan and I love him. But reality is that until you perform in the World Cup, Euro’s, or a Champions League final, you are not world class. And so far, Rooney was carried to 2 Champions League finals by Ronaldo, and has failed to do anything there of consequence. The Euro’s and World Cup have been a complete failure for him. He is fractions short of Ronaldo or Messi in league play, but on a world stage, he is nothing more than a footballer, not a world class footballer.
Yes they both would receive large fees for their clubs if sold, but when was the last time you saw a xenophobic Englishman make a move that really mattered, meaning to a big club abroad. It doesn’t happen, because they know beyond missing meat pies, they would be exposed. I feel Rooney would be an exception if he went to Real Madrid, but that would again be on the back of the show pony Ronaldo, and with the arm around the shoulder and whisper in the ear from Mourinho.
It’s always good to meet fans of the beautiful game I have never met before. It’s a pleasure chatting with you Kyle.
I think with Gerrard you get a lot more than attacking. He started out at right back got pushed up to play out on the right and then moved into the center. The reason he is world class is he would be is good enough to play as a right or left back, either wing, a holding midfielder in front of the back four, centre of midfield, and a play making withdrawn forward. And this is beside the fact that he is a great captain and changes the complexion of his team and that is what a great player does. With Rooney he is great with the ball at his feet I remember when he was 18 at Euro 2004 against France he flicked the ball past a defender and got hacked down and then later he made a run at Zidane and did a spin and went past him. He is adaptable too as he is not just a penalty area striker he can pick the ball up from deep, in fact he is at his most dangerous arriving from a deeper position. also at Everton he played out wide. When Ronaldo was in the united team he played as a withdrawn striker and now he plays as the centre forward. And with a player like that in your team you always have a chance and that is why he is world class. The problem isn’t that England don’t have enough world class players. I guess you and I might disagree with the relative merits of these two but I think they both have everything. I would say the problem with the national team is they have is once you get past their best eleven they don’t have the depth to match the likes of Spain and Holland. That is why they will always be in what I call the contender category just below the favorites.
I appreciate your points, honestly I do, I just don’t agree with them. Steven Gerrard isn’t of a level to go out and play right back or left back in the EPL. He isn’t a young man anymore. Just as Fletcher and Carrick played in the center of defense and as right backs last season, it doesn’t mean they are complete players up to any sort of standard in those roles.
I have a funny feeling you are a Liverpool fan who drank the bong water, and not an objective observer of Mr. Gerrard. If I’m wrong, I’ll put on some Phil Collins as compensation.
I think the bong water comment is unfair and a bit too personal a slight. Yes he isn’t the effervescent 20 year old anymore but I would point to the fact that they both improve the teams they play in. As I also said we obviously disagree, but everyone has opinions in football, I have mine, you have yours and obviously they are different but its not a bad thing is it.
Not a bad thing at all.
And I apologize if the bong water comment offended you. In my youth I was well acquainted with such a device and have never considered its use to be a slight in any way. Perhaps I should have said “the kool-aid”, but Jim Jones ruined that reference far worse than a smoking utensil comment in my humble opinion.